


From The Desk Of Caleb Widogast

by alwaysyourqueen



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Case Study, Gen, Letters, Multi, Past polyamorous relationship, Reference to big plot, they/them Mollymauk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 04:37:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17594750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysyourqueen/pseuds/alwaysyourqueen
Summary: Caleb likes to write, and he writes to the two loves he had once upon a time. It hurts a bit less each time.





	From The Desk Of Caleb Widogast

My dear Astrid, my dear Eodwulf,

I have left the hospital. I do not know where you are nor if I will ever send this letter to you. I do not know how long it has been or how old I am or if you are even alive. I do not really know why I am writing this, but I am in a tavern in the Southern regions and no Crownsguard have recognized me and I have scraped together enough money to stay somewhere nice and buy the paper and ink to write this. Please forgive me for the poor grammar, I have not written in a long time.

It has been a very long time since I have spoken to either of you. Are you doing well? How is your magic? Astrid, have you been wearing your hair the way I like it? Eodwulf, have you been keeping clean shaven or growing it out? I have been wearing my hair longer and my beard is somewhat thick. I may try to cut it more neatly and cut my hair shorter, I do not know if the ponytail look particularly suits me.

Things are strangely different in the Empire these days. Small changes, nothing that would be noticeable unless you were in a place such as the one I have been for however many years I have been there. There are new laws and there is a lot more Crownsguard even in the South. Have either of you noticed it? If you are still working with Trent, has he taken you with Crownsguard over to Xhorhas or perhaps have you been away from those parts of the conflict? I have spent much of my time wondering how the both of you are since I have been traveling alone. My thoughts are much louder without the both of you here.

I have been writing for nearly three hours and yet I cannot find the words I am meaning to say. This page is covered with ink but I am bantering with myself and can only imagine the answers. You two are older now, different people than when we were together. Is it possible that you have forgotten me, or that Trent has wiped me from your minds in the way that what my parents said had been added to mine? Could it be that I am a villain and you will come for me and show me how all those people felt, the way we killed them? If I am to die, I would rather it be by your hands than any other. Never by Ikithon’s.

It is very lonely to be traveling alone after having your mind broken for so many years. Eodwulf, I would love nothing more than to feel your hands on my temples and have my thoughts melt away and be calm with your voice again. I would very much like to sit on the end of Astrid’s bed and perhaps be back when we finally finished our test, and cleared Astrid’s mind. Perhaps you could have cleared mine again.

This is all very sentimental and I am sorry to have taken up so much space on the page just reminiscing. It is hard to work through the memories I do and do not truly have. I will write to you both again when I can.

Hochachtungsvoll Dein,  
Caleb Widogast, formerly Bren Aldric Ermendrud

* * *

 

Dear Astrid, Dear Eodwulf,

It has been much longer since I have been able to write than I would have liked. I am sorry to have taken so long. Traveling undercover is difficult and I do not know if Ikithon knows who I am now or where I might have been. Finding time to sit down and write is difficult as I need time to prepare my spells and find work so that I do not starve from lack of coin. Work is few and far between and I have been thieving most of my spell supplies.

Do you remember our country house? It was Ikithon’s but it was ours too, I think. We stayed there and Eodwulf and I had our room and we mostly went into Astrid’s because we did not mind sharing one bed. I think I left my tome of notes there. It has set me behind in my research by years. We made great progress when we were allowed to pursue our own research and I greatly miss it. The access to books we had? I would give anything to have those books again. Except the obvious, naturally. I try not to dwell on the basement or the blood we washed in the washrooms. I much preferred your cooking, Eodwulf, and your games of chess, Astrid. I hope the garden still has the little blue flowers in it. The name escapes me. My memory is not what it used to be.

It is very difficult to keep from talking to myself. It also is difficult when I realize you will not respond when I do. Lieben, if I could see you again, it would fix most of my heart aching, I like to think. I wonder if I will ever see you again, or if I have missed my chance. The three of us would have died together in the line of duty if I had not been weak, but everything about what happened has happened. The paths have been laid before us and it is to my sorrow that mine is different from yours. My place is not at your side, which will continue to sadden me until that changes or I come to terms with it. Perhaps neither will.

Laugh and dance for me. Sneak out and meet the townsfolk. Do your spells and live wondrously. You deserve that much.

The town I am in now is a quiet one. The tavern is run by a half-orcish woman who flirts with me when I go to get a drink and she takes a silver off my tab if I smile back at her. If I flirted back I might own this tavern before long, but that is not the life for someone like me. The patrons at the bar are a mixture of folk, but mostly human. I blend in. There is an apothecary I have visited who specializes in rare herbal remedies. He has offered me free samples when I help to clean his shop. I will have to leave soon. These people trust me too much, and I will end up hurting them if I stay. It is unfortunate because this is a nice town. It barely cares about having a name. I will take you here if I see you again.

I cannot write more right now. I am getting a headache and I may ruin this perfectly good paper if I continue to write on it.

Alles Liebe,  
Caleb Widogast

* * *

Beloved Astrid, Beloved Eodwulf,

I do not know where to begin this letter. I do not know what to tell you that I have not already. It has been so long since I have written. I could not bring myself to, and now I am in a different situation. I have met a young goblin named Nott. She calls herself Nott the Brave. I have not known her very long, but she is very kind to me. She steals supplies I need and we have come up with a system that benefits us both.

I met Nott because I ended up in jail. They caught me stealing, and I could not talk my way out as per usual. In my cell there was a goblin girl who helped me pick the lock and fight our way out. We are both wanted criminals now, but now we have companionship. I have missed traveling with another person.

Nott has shown me her array of buttons and small shiny objects, as well as what she calls sticks and gemstones. They are walking sticks and rings, for the most part. I do not mind as long as she does not get us in trouble. I would rather be company with a thief than company with myself. I have not told her about either of you. My past is still our secret, though I think some day it may be important to tell her.

I have new books. I have found spells and magic that would not have been useful when we were learning that is useful to me now on the road. The ash on my fingertips has not faded even when I do not use my fire. I hope one day it goes away and my fingers stop burning. It does not hurt, but I feel like it does until I focus hard enough. I thought I might be rid of this. Maybe I never will and instead I will always be marked.

We have traveled very far since we left the jail. Never somewhere I have been before because I do not want questions. There are many inns in the Empire. I offered visiting the Menagerie Coast, but Nott said she does not like water. I do not ask her questions because then she will ask me questions. I am sure you both understand why when I am on the run I do not want to answer questions if I can avoid it.

I hope the both of you are well. There was an illness a month or so ago we only avoided because we do not interact with people much. I wore a cloth over my mouth and Nott wears a mask. Did either of you get sick? Do you remember my recipe for matzo ball soup with extra carrots? You did love when I cooked that for you. It was a good reward for behaving or finishing our lessons early.

I need to rest. This is all I can write tonight.

Liebe,  
Caleb

* * *

Astrid, Eodwulf,

Once again I have left you without a letter for far too long. It turns out that it is more difficult to write these time and time again. I remember too much of what was and I cannot bring myself to pen words on the page. The past few days have inspired me. I want you both to know how I have been doing.

I am still traveling with Nott. We set down recently and met an array of colorful characters. Jester, a tiefling who enjoys trickery. She reminds me a little bit of you, Astrid, in that she is also blue like you are. Mollymauk, another tiefling who dresses like a circus. Which is appropriate, as he was a part of the circus before joining us. His friend Yasha, a human barbarian who could crush me without trying. She is very quiet. Beauregard, a fighter who is incredibly capable but cannot speak without insults or profanities. Not that I am much better. And Fjord, who is half orc and does magic but does not tell us much about his magic. They are useful, for now, and Nott seems to like them.

We killed a huge creature together. I nearly died. I always seem to nearly die when trouble comes knocking, but I never do. It is something of a curse in disguise as a blessing. If you had been here, you would have chastised me and likely tried to cover everything up before he came back from whatever his job was that day. I killed two men. I was thrown in jail again and made it out without a scratch or a new arrest warrant this time.

I do not trust these people yet. They are generous with their time and their wealth and they expect the same from me. I do not think I can ever trust them with the way they are behaving. I have considered asking Nott to run off with me, but for now it is safer to travel as a group. We are making our way to Zadash and hopefully once we are there I can find a library and start studying again. I will find a way to best him and then perhaps I can see the both of you again. Hopefully I do not have to fight you, but maybe you will have turned against me.

I hope you are both doing well. You have not left my thoughts. I wonder where you are right now and if you are even in the Empire. Are you still tracking criminals? Am I going to become strong enough that you will come for me, too? Will I be a registered enemy of the Empire?

I miss you.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,  
Caleb

* * *

Dear Astrid and Eodwulf,

This will likely be my last letter to you two. I do not have time or energy for it these days. I have been traveling for a long time and met many people. A woman named Calianna gave me a scroll of invisibility. A woman named Keg helped us infiltrate the lair of slavers who had taken some of our friends.

Mollymauk died a week ago. They did not deserve to. I miss them very much. We all do. There is a lot left unsaid. I do not have the words to say what I wanted to say. I am trying to move on from everything that is happening. It hurts more than I expected it to. I miss you both a lot right now. I wish I could return to being with you.

I am trying to decide what to write in this letter. I suppose the answer is that I need to stop writing. I will miss talking to you. If I am not wrong, I may be as amiable towards you if I ever meet you again. And if not, I will keeping wondering.

I will miss you, Astrid, Eodwulf, my first loves. I am sorry.

Au Wiedersehen,  
Caleb Widogast

**Author's Note:**

> ZEMNIAN (GERMAN) KEY:  
> Hochachtungsvoll Dein: faithfully yours  
> Alles Liebe: much love  
> Auf Wiedersehen: goodbye  
> Mit freundlichen Grüßen: with friendly greetings (a usual sign off to a letter)


End file.
